I'm still here!

My friend Linda lost her dear husband, Neil, earlier this year.  Today she is on parentdish talking about how to help children grieve for a loved one. Linda has also started to blog about her experience of grief and how her family are rebuilding their lives. You can find it here.

I haven't posted here for over a year, I can't believe it's been that long. Life has been incredibly busy and I think that at some point last year I finally put to bed some of my inner demons relating to my mum's death. Getting all my pent up thoughts out on this blog was invaluable.

For the first time in over 20 years I feel at peace with my mum's death. I still think about her every day and wish more than anything that she was here, beside me, holding my hand when times are tough.

Most of all I wish she was here to see her grandchildren, with their wicked senses of humour, something she would have revelled in.

I will try and update this blog a little more often ... I want to celebrate my mum's memory and I have lots to share.

Her favourite place ...

We used to go for walks together here with Mum. It is also the site of the first egg rolling championships. It's near Harewood House and somewhere I take my children now. You can see for miles and miles. We scattered Mum's ashes here, but I don't remember much about that.

Usually I don't ponder the significance when I'm there but the last time I went was Mother's Day. I walked with a lump in my throat. I had wanted to take a picture of the view but there were loads of people milling about so I couldn't get a good shot.

My Sister took this picture last week and sent it to me. The bench wasn't there when Mum was alive. I like to think it's somewhere she would have sat looking over her favourite view and thinking.

A walk in the park ...

As we approach Mother's Day my thoughts are with my Mum. I found this picture last week in a photo album. I pore over photos like this looking at every little detail.

Just everyday life.

Progress ...

I haven't been here in a while, for me that signifies progress.

When I started writing this blog, about my Mum, I wasn't sure where it would take me.

It turns out it's helped me so much more than I could ever imagine. It has been so very cathartic.

One of the things I always struggled with was that I had never met someone like me, who had lost their mother when they were young, someone who could nod and truly get where I was coming from. This blog brought those people to me.

I have had emails and struck up friendships with people who understand what I went through and what I still go though every day. That in itself has been amazing. I hope in return that some of those people have been able to find some peace.

For more than 20 years I have bottled things up but finally I feel that I have put to bed some of my demons, For the first time in more than 20 years I have begun to think more positively about my Mum.

I still have my dark moments and I miss her every day but the bitterness seems to be ebbing.

I slept on it and out popped my pride ...

This was first published on Are We Nearly There Yet, my other blog, in April.

Once again http://www.stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/ has gone and done it again. This weeks Gallery subject is the 7 deadly sins. The sins are: Wrath, Greed, Sloth, Pride, Lust, Envy, Gluttony.

Why she couldn't just have the subject as 'dog', 'child' or 'holiday snap' I don't know.

So, I spent FOREVER going through pictures only to find pictures of my children, our wedding and/or our dog which I decided were boring.

So I slept on it and the following morning dug these out and found some pictures I am very proud of.

Three pictures of a mother and child. My mother. I am the child. I only had my Mum for nine years. I have difficulty with memories during those years.

Luckily I have photos, quite a few in fact. I don't just look at the photos, I pore over them I wonder what she was thinking, doing, wearing ... just any glimpse of anything that makes me feel a bit closer to her.

Now that I am a mother they mean even more to me.

I think the would have been proud of me, as I am of her.

Conversation Stopper

When Mum died I was at middle school, where I would stay until I was 11.

I spent two years surrounded by teachers and pupils who knew that my mum had died.

High school and beyond was different. As social circles grew and changed there would inevitably be the 'getting to know you questions' ...

Do you have any pets?

Yes we have a dog

Where do you live?

Just down the road in Blahville

What do your parents do?

Well, my Dad is an interior designer and my Mum is dead

... followed by an awkward silence.

Just at the point the question relating to Mum was asked I would assume the position of 'rabbit caught in the headlights', my palms would become sweaty and I'd have the sudden urge to run.

I always felt deep embarrassment. not because my Mum had died but because it was so uncomfortable for me and the other person. They would say they were sorry and I wouldn't know what to say.

As I got older it was easier to answer the questions in a jokey manner or tell people that they had nothing to be sorry for and move on to something else.

I wonder if this is why I deal with most serious situations in a panicked slapstick humour state!?

Blogging Became Our Therapy ...

The article below features me. It's in April's issue of Company magazine which is out now and is part of a series of four stories entitled 'Blogging Became Our Therapy'.

This blog has been the most cathartic thing I've done in terms of my grief. Writing about my Mum and how I feel about it has helped me to understand myself better and put to bed some of the bad feelings I have.

My loss is ever present, but each time I write on this blog I feel as though I'm writing away some of the pain.

If you click on the article below it will open up so you can actually read it. On a lighter note, if you want to read about the photo-shoot relating to the article click here.

This months Company magazine is written lots of different bloggers, there is a competition here ... where you could vote for me if you are feeling particularly generous!