In the arms of death

We walked into the hospice passing the nuns at the front desk. I think I was with my Scottish grandparents.

I remember being in the lift, then walking into the private pale green room with it's big window out over the gardens.

The next second or so of my life is still the most vivid and horrific memory I have of my Mum.

My Mum was sat up against pillows on the hospital bed, she was gaunt, skeletal and staring into space. She looked straight through me. The shock of seeing her like that made me actually jump, I can still remember the feeling of my heart racing in horror as I tried to regain my composure.

I remember nothing more about that visit but I know that it was the last time I ever saw her. She died a day or so after.

I hope that she didn't see me jump, see the shock on my face. I hope the drugs were so strong that she didn't even know I was there.