I imagined she had just walked past me

I haven't read the letter recently. In fact, I can't remember the last time I read it.

I certainly haven't digested it before, the way I did last night.

Every time I read it I understand it more; as a child, teenager, adult and now mother.

She wrote three letters in total; mine, one for my sister and one for my Dad. Each one different.

When I'd finished typing it last night I wept. The mother inside me was wondering "Where do you start a letter like that?", "How much is enough?".

I have a sample of the perfume she used to wear. I got it soon after my counselling had finished and put it away too frightened to open it.

I put a tiny dab on last night. At first I didn't recognise it, then suddenly it came flooding back. I could smell my Mum. I closed my eyes and imagined she had just walked past me.

A small comfort in a huge void.

A letter I was given after my Mother's death (October 1987)

Dearest Laura

I hope that you are being a good girl for your Daddy and looking after him and [your sister]. I know that it will be strange for you all but in time it will get better.

Remember me with a little tear at first and afterwards with a laugh. We had a lot of fun times and you will have a lot more at first with Daddy and [your sister], later with your own friends. Later still you may be very lucky, as I was, and meet a very special person to share your life with.

Please try to be honest with yourself and don't knowlingly hurt anyone. Be happy and care about others.

I hope that you will grow up to be healthy and happy with a few special friends. Don't worry of you are on your own sometimes. Learn to enjoy your own company and then others will.

Whatever happens to us when we die I feel at peace with God and more than happy with my wonderful family and friends. If I go to heaven I will watch over you and never stop caring for my loved ones.

Don't forget to do the things you have to do before the things you want to.

My love forever

Mummy xxx