Sharing the heart ...

My Dad sent me this today on my 31st birthday, 3 years after my wedding;

Laura

I was in the library the other day and found the book which had a passage that I always intended reading at your wedding. I was really depending on using the reading at your wedding as my abilities at making speeches are akin to Mike Tyson attempting flower arranging - with gloves on! But, unfortunately, I mislaid the book during one of our many house moves. It is from In the Company of Cheerful Ladies by Alexander McCall Smith.

The character, Mma Makutsi, has just accepted a proposal of marriage and is contemplating the moment. She reminds me of you (leaving aside the fact that she is black, African and wears large Deirdre Barlow spectacles) and the thoughts that would pass through your mind.

Mma Makutsi gathered her thoughts, standing before the window, looking out to the trees in the distance and the evening sun on the grey-green hills beyond the trees. She had so much to think about: her past, and the place from where she had come; her family who would be so pleased with this news up there in Bobonong; and her late brother, Richard, who would never know about this, unless, of course, he was watching from somewhere, which he might be, for all she knew. She loved this country, which was a good place, and she loved those with whom she lived and worked. She had so much love to give – she had always felt that – and now there was somebody to whom she could give this love, and, that, she knew was good; for that is what redeems us, that is what makes our pain and sorrow bearable – this giving of love to others, this sharing of the heart.

Happy birthday!

Love

Pops

I imagined she had just walked past me

I haven't read the letter recently. In fact, I can't remember the last time I read it.

I certainly haven't digested it before, the way I did last night.

Every time I read it I understand it more; as a child, teenager, adult and now mother.

She wrote three letters in total; mine, one for my sister and one for my Dad. Each one different.

When I'd finished typing it last night I wept. The mother inside me was wondering "Where do you start a letter like that?", "How much is enough?".

I have a sample of the perfume she used to wear. I got it soon after my counselling had finished and put it away too frightened to open it.

I put a tiny dab on last night. At first I didn't recognise it, then suddenly it came flooding back. I could smell my Mum. I closed my eyes and imagined she had just walked past me.

A small comfort in a huge void.

A letter I was given after my Mother's death (October 1987)

Dearest Laura

I hope that you are being a good girl for your Daddy and looking after him and [your sister]. I know that it will be strange for you all but in time it will get better.

Remember me with a little tear at first and afterwards with a laugh. We had a lot of fun times and you will have a lot more at first with Daddy and [your sister], later with your own friends. Later still you may be very lucky, as I was, and meet a very special person to share your life with.

Please try to be honest with yourself and don't knowlingly hurt anyone. Be happy and care about others.

I hope that you will grow up to be healthy and happy with a few special friends. Don't worry of you are on your own sometimes. Learn to enjoy your own company and then others will.

Whatever happens to us when we die I feel at peace with God and more than happy with my wonderful family and friends. If I go to heaven I will watch over you and never stop caring for my loved ones.

Don't forget to do the things you have to do before the things you want to.

My love forever

Mummy xxx

Mothers Day Letter - 2009

Dear Laura

I thought that as it is Mother's Day this weekend I would let you know what a fantastic mother you are and how proud I am of the way you and [the husband] are bringing up your children.

[the 3 year old] and [the 4 year old] are wonderful children with terrific outgoing and intelligent personalities which is a lot to do with your skills as a mother.

I know only too well the huge void that you feel with the loss of your mother but I am positive that she is watching over you and, had she lived to see her grandchildren she would be equally proud of you.

Your blog posts are amazing and reading them from far away in Spain has kept me close to you all and given me so much pleasure.

My Mother's Day present to you is a picture to remind you I am now just over the hill!

All my love

Pops